The Story

Bub really loved stories—so I want to share one with all of you. A story of community, grief, space, love, and loss. This is the story of the day my dad died: A perfect day except for when it wasn’t.

The story begins on Monday, the morning after my dad went into the hospital.

If you didn’t know, I’ve been working at a sleepaway camp in California right outside of Yosemite National Park. Monday happened to be my day off and a few friends and I were planning on going into the nearby town to pick up a few things. Luisa and Kala went in one car and me and Izzy in another. On the way Izzy asked me if I had been in Yosemite yet and when I said I hadn’t they asked if I wanted to go. Yes, absolutely yes— and our new plans were set.

We got some snacks and started for the park heading first towards Yosemite Falls. As we pulled into a nearby parking lot for the path we were going to follow, my mom called to tell me that my dad was being intubated. “Do you want to start heading back,” Izzy asked. “Ummm…No?”

If we did that I would have just ended up sitting around camp but my dad wanted me to go out and experience the world and be in nature. You know my dad literally lived in a national park for two years so I wasn’t going to be in one myself and then leave. So Izzy and I walked to the falls, which I learned is one of the tallest in the world, and we looked up. I asked them, “If trees could talk what do you think that tree right in the corner of the rock would be saying now?” Izzy answered and then asked me what dance I thought the tree would be…and then I did a little dance in Yosemite.

We kept walking and talking and saw trees whose roots were growing into rock and looked like they were swallowing up the earth. I wish I could ask my dad the science behind it.

The next place we went was tunnel view. A spot where you look out onto a sea of trees with mountain walls on either side that look like they touch the sky. It was the most gorgeous view I think I’ve ever seen. We stayed there for a bit just taking it in. I asked Izzy if they knew much about cloud science. “Not really.” “Yeah me neither, but my dad, whenever we’d see clouds like that at home, my dad would ask me what kinds of clouds they were and I was wondering what kind of clouds those were. I know it's cumulus or stratus so there's a fifty percent chance I’m getting it right.”

Then we took some goofy selfies and walked back to the car and started the drive to the Green, a nearby resort, for a nice dinner. After that we went back to camp and even listened to American Idiot for part of the drive.

When we got back we hung out in the bayit where a few people live, but all the supervisors use the living room and kitchen area. There’s always people coming and going. I got the call that my mom was told to go back to the hospital. Things weren’t looking great. Surgery was not looking like an option anymore. Izzy stayed with me at the kitchen table. Then AriAriella joined. Then Liz and Luisa. The sacred space was beginning to form.

Then I got the call that it didn’t look like Bub would make it through the night. The rallying began. I facetimed James to give the update and introduced him to everyone at the table. It was incredibly sweet and silly. The group was rotating, snack and water was brought to me, and I was never left alone and I was okay.

Then I was called to be on the phone while the doctors spoke to my mom. I moved to the couch. We were given the options of doing nothing or trying something and praying for a miracle. So pray for a miracle we did. Ariella came next to me, Izzy sat at my feet, and now Becca the camp director was there behind both of them and everyone had a hand on me as my mom and I spoke through tears. My mom said at one point “But who’s going to do the funeral?” “Are…are you really asking who’s gonna do the funeral…I don’t know we’re just two rabbis on a call.” Everyone laughed. Then they went into another room so I could have a few minutes for my final facetime with Bub.

Once I got off the phone Ari, Izzy, and I stayed up until about 1am together in Izzy’s room. We laughed, told stories, and I showed them dance videos of mine. Then Ari went and got a blanket and my sleeping bag and we each took a couch. The whole night, I wasn’t left alone and I was okay.

I didn’t really sleep, but at 7:30am I got up and started my morning routine. Or as close to routine as I could get. The bayit had the breakfast rush of people. Everyone in my personal shmira rotation asked if I had gotten the call. Not yet.

Around 9:15 Tuesday morning I poured myself a bowl of cheerios…but there was no oat milk in the fridge. Ari said they would go to the dining hall kitchen to see if they could grab some. They left. And somehow the bayit was empty except for me. In the next moment my mom called to tell me Bub had passed. By some chance of divine timing I was able to have this moment to myself and pace and collapse on the couch. Ari came back in and I gave them the signal and they stood by my side as I said goodbye to my mom. “Okay, I want to go to the river now. I’ll call you when I get back and have flight info. I love you.” and Ari and I sat and cried forehead to forehead, holding onto each other. They told me before I start worrying about the next step to give myself one hour. And I did. And I was okay.

James and Becca arranged the flight and how I would get back to San Francisco from camp. Ari took me to the river. As we were walking I felt my body sink into the earth and there was a weight in my chest. “He’s here,” I said to Ari, “I feel his presence all around us in all of the trees. I’ve never felt this before. My God.”

We went to a river spot just outside of camp. No one else was in the water. I told Ari the story of the day up until that point. I wanted to remember this day. And then a dragonfly landed on my shoulder. We stayed there for a while. I’m not sure where my tears ended and the river began.

As we walked back we ran into Tavi and Kala with the kitchen golf cart. We asked for a ride back into camp and we piled in…..aaaand it stalled. First Kala got out and started pushing. We went a little farther. Then Ari got out and started pushing and we were cackling. Then we got to a REALLY steep part we had to go up and Tavi jumped out and said to me “you steer”.

And so I drove the golf cart while Tavi, Kala, AND Ari pushed it up a hill. We laughed SO hard and then finally we were smooth sailing. Tavi took the wheel again and Ari told me to stick my head out.As I looked back I said, “This is a great part of the story I think” and I laughed. Ari caught this moment of sheer joy on video. Multiple truths at its finest.

Then back to the bayit. We started planning a kaddish circle to happen during rest hour. Kaddish was being said almost daily because Ari’s mom, Rachel, passed away four months ago. This one would also be for my dad.

A minyan was gathered and it was made up of many of the people closest to me at camp and we walked to makom shalom, our outdoor sanctuary. Ari asked if I wanted to do any music before saying kaddish?

“Yeah! Do you know What's Up by the 4 Non Blondes…It was my dad’s favorite song for the last year”

And so we sang, I shared a few stories, and kaddish was recited. Silence.

“Okay I want to go see the goats.”

And we got up and LJ took over for Ari while they napped to get ready to drive me back to the Bay. I was never left alone and I was okay.

And we went to see the goats, which are also my dad’s favorite animals. And XBox, the mama goat, laid her head on my shoulder and snuggled up to me for a while. If you want to see the picture I am happy to show you after. She knew something was up. I wish my dad could have seen it.

Then we went back to the cabin. Time to pack. Facetime Jared while I pack. Go back up to the bayit.

Luisa made me lunch because I hadn’t eaten much. Some friends gave me camp gifts—things like candy and an energy drink that had “For my rabbi” written on it.

I started to say my goodbyes to campers and see you laters to staff. And Ari and I were off to the Bay.

Four hours later we were at the airport. Ari said Hamokom yenachem and we hugged goodbye.

I share this story with you because my dad always said to me he wouldn’t die until he knew I was okay and on my way. He kept his promise on that one. And on this day…this tragically beautiful day…I was okay.

I was okay because I felt held and loved by my new community, my old community, and possibly most importantly, by the wonders around me. I ran into nature and did things my dad did. I felt joy and adventure. I laughed and I cried. I held on and I let go. All things Bub wanted for me.

Of course I am crushed that my dad is no longer here physically, but I am okay because of him. He taught me how to have courage, to love generously, to fight for justice, to cry at card tricks, and to never be afraid to be the most me.

Bub was the best. We were a pair picked by God, Godself. Bub knew I was okay now and I believe him. So I can’t just be sad. This day I just told you about—it was a beautiful day and it was also the day that my dad died.

My dad is a man of a million stories. What a gift he gave me with this one. One that I will hold onto dearly for the rest of my life. I know the loss of my dad is bigger than me. His reach is infinite.

May his memory be a blessing AND may his memory be for all of our stories.